Join the Horde! Conquer the Universe! Sign Up Now!

Join the Horde! Conquer the Universe! Sign Up Now!

The Horde truly is the most diverse group of bad guys. From left to right: Mantenna, Grizzlor, Mosquitor, Skeletor (yes, he was a member of the Horde once before striking out on his own), Horde Prime, Hordak, Imp (in treasure chest form, regular Imp is hugely expensive), Despara (a.k.a. Princess Adora of Eternia a.k.a. She-Ra), Shadow Weaver, Catra and her panther, Horde Wraith, Entrapta, Octavia. Towering above them all is Motherboard.

Are you dissatisfied with harassing peasants and raiding space tramp freighters? Are looking for a new challenge? Do want to see the galaxy and help to subjugate it? Do you want to become part of something greater? Then join the Mighty, All-Conquering Horde.

The Horde Empire is seeking, at the earliest possible date, a:

Force Captain
(m, f, n-b*)

We are a growth-focussed intergalactic empire intent on universal domination. With more than ten thousand worlds under our heel and counting, the Horde Empire is a multiverse-wide leader in the crowded market of galactic empires.

However, we cannot conquer the universe all alone. We need you to help us subjugate the cosmos and bring those rebel worlds into the smothering embrace of the Horde Empire.

Your responsibilities:

• Command the troops of the Horde and lead them into battle.
• Conquer planets for the glory of the Horde.
• Slaughter the enemies of the Horde.
• Enslave the local population.
• Crush all resistance.
• Strike fear into the hearts and minds of our foes
• Report directly to Horde Commander Despara, Lord Hordak or Horde Prime, the Great Exalted Leader, himself
• Failure and insubordination are swiftly and severely punished

Your qualifications:

• Must be utterly ruthless and devoid of empathy
• Willing to follow orders without hesitation or questions
• At least three years of military experience
• Skilled in handling energy weapons, blasters and crossbows
• Hand to hand combat skills
• Swordsmanship skills
• Pilot licence for suborbital and space vehicles
• Ground vehicle licence
• Tactical and strategic knowledge
• Technological knowledge
• Special abilities such as superstrength, vampirism (both blood and energy extraction), venom secretion, all-seeing eyes, shapeshifting, cybernetic implants, scientific genius, fabulous secret powers, etc… welcome

The benefits that await you:

• A supportive and inclusive work environment
• Excellent pay
• State of the art medical care and cybernetic enhancements
• In house training and apprenticeships under the watchful eye of Lord Hordak himself
• Free board and lodging at Horde bases and aboard Horde ships
• Branded uniforms and armour supplied by the Horde
• Excellent on-site childcare facilities in Horde breeding centers
• Great opportunities for career advancement
• Free mandatory therapy using patented Horde mind-wiping and memory editing technology

Also seeking, at the earliest possible date, a:

Magic Wielder
(m, f, n-b)

Unfortunately, in our quest to bring the entire universe under the heel of the Horde, we occasionally encounter that ancient superstition known as magic. Of course, the Horde Empire does not endorse the use of magic and considers it an abomination. However, our enemies have no such scruples and therefore, we are reluctantly required to employ some magic of our own.

Your responsibilities:

• Employ magic on behalf of the Horde
• Wield magical weapons or objects
• Break into magical strongholds and acquire ancient objects of power
• Fight and defeat other magic users
• Report directly to Lord Hordak or Horde Prime, the Great Exalted Leader, himself
• Failure and insubordination are swiftly and severely punished

Your qualifications:

• High level magical abilities
• Knowledge of spells and potions
• Skills in deciphering ancient languages and manuscripts
• Demon summoning skills
• Skills in handling magical weapons or objects
• Ability to open interdimensional portals
• Telepathy, teleportation and telekinesis
• Memory altering and mind-wiping abilities
• Physical combat skills
• In house training and apprenticeships under the watchful eye of Lord Hordak himself
• Utterly ruthless and devoid of empathy
• Willing to follow orders without hesitation or questions

The benefits that await you:

• See above.

The Horde is an equal opportunity employer. We are committed to diversity and inclusion and welcome members of any species, race, gender, body type and sexual orientation. The Horde forces have by far the highest percentage of female and LGBTQ members of all villain factions and galactic empires in the universe.

Are you an outcast? Do your fellow beings think that you are scary or weird or terrifying? Then join us, because no one is ever too weird or too scary for the Horde. The Horde embraces everybody in its all-encompassing grasp.

So what are you waiting for? Apply today and become part of the great and glorious, all-encompassing Horde Empire.

For questions and applications, please contact:

Lord Hordak, the Mighty and All-Powerful
c/o Horde Commander Despara
The Fright Zone
Etheria
Dark Dimension of Despondos

***

Inspired by this news item about two new members of the Evil Horde, who are about to debut in the upcoming Masters of the Universe: Revolution prequel comic. Both of these new Horde members are women and one of them is chubby lady of a body type rarely seen in comics and cartoons. Of course, the usual suspects complaint a lot more about the chubby lady than about the spider woman, which tells you everything you need to know.

This led to a discussion on Twitter about how the Horde is actually the most diverse of all the villainous (and heroic, for that matter) factions in Masters of the Universe and has a lot of women, LGBTQ characters and some of the weirdest creatures in Masters of the Universe history. There is a historical reason for this – the original Horde figures came out at the height of the popularity of Masters of the Universe, when the toys were selling like hotcakes and all sorts of weird but expensive to design and produce figures were possible. And since the Evil Horde were the primary villains in the She-Ra: Princess of Power cartoon, which was aimed at girls, they had a lot of female members.

In Masters of the Universe: Revolution, Hordak also tells Stonedar (shortly before the poor guy is utterly demolished and turned into a pile of pebbles) that he never fights his own battles, but that he hires well. Which made me wonder, “What exactly would a Horde job ad look like?” So I wrote one.

The photo of the assembled Horde (well, the members I have, since I’m still missing a few) was actually quite difficult to take, partly because Motherboard is so big and partly because there are a lot of Horde members. The figures are a mix of Masterverse and Classics figures, since both lines are roughly in the same scale.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, I just bought some toys, took a photo of them and wrote a parody of a job ad. All characters are copyright and trademark their respective owners.

*(m, f, n-b) stand for “male, female, non-binary”, which is standard in German job ads. And yes, the non-binary part started showing mere weeks after the act recognising non-binary people as a third gender was passed.