I’m interrupting the steady stream of Star Trek Strange New Worlds and Obi-Wan Kenobi reviews for another Masters of the Universe action figure photo story. I was always planning to do more of these and I also posted a few on Twitter, but blog posts are less ephemeral.
The name “Masters-of-the-Universe-Piece Theatre” was coined by Kevin Beckett at the Whetstone Discord server, by the way, based on the Masterpiece Theatre series of random British TV dramas presented by PBS in the US. I like the name and adopted it with thanks to Kevin.
Initially, I was going to continue the Secrets of Eternia series with a look at the backstory of She-Ra, He-Man’s long lost twin sister, but that was somewhat stymied by the fact that though I have a great She-Ra figure, the Evil Horde was rather anaemic to the point that Hordak had to borrow henchpeople from Skeletor.
So instead, you get a different story today. My photo story about the origins of Teela and particularly who her biological parents are ended with Fisto (whom the people behind the 2002 Masters of the Universe cartoon planned to reveal as Teela’s biological father for reasons best known to themselves) coming out as gay to his estranged brother Man-at-Arms. The fact that Fisto and Man-at-Arms are brothers was established in the 2002 cartoon. However, Fisto being gay is purely my head canon, because with a name like that, how can he not be?
“The Origin of Teela” story ended with Duncan a.k.a. Man-at-Arms and Malcolm a.k.a. Fisto going for a drink. And here is a sequel, where we finally learn who Fisto’s significant other is:
“Well, Duncan, when you said, let’s have a drink, I expected a tavern and beer, not… Wait a minute, is that mother’s prized tea set? I had no idea that thing still existed.”
“I kept it. For Teela, for when she gets married.”
“If that idiot Prince Adam ever gets a move on and pops the question, you mean?”
“He’s not an idiot. He’s just… shy.”
“Well, I doubt that the future Queen of Eternia needs mother’s old tea set, considering she’ll inherit a palace full of fine china and silverware. Besides, I don’t think Teela is the type for fancy tea sets anyway.”
“You’re right. She’d only use it as target practice. Talking of which, I could have sworn there used to be more cups. Anyway, Malcolm, do you want tea? And some pastries maybe?”
“Actually, I want a beer, but since tea and pastries are all I get, I guess the answer is yes.”
“Anyway, you wanted to know if I have someone and the answer is yes and it’s…”
“What? No. Oh, hi Manny. Bad timing.”
“Am I interrupting anything?
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“I won’t be long. I just wanted to let you know that I’m off for a few days to play Hamlet in Avion. You know, my real job, before I got drafted into this whole saving Eternia thing.”
“Also, just because I’m an actor doesn’t mean I’m gay. Why do people always assume that? Does not compute. Anyway, I’m off. See you in five days. Nice tea set, by the way.”
“All right, so where were we? Oh yes, you wanted to know if I have someone and the answer is yes I do and it’s Ram-Man.”
“Hi boss. Yup, Malcolm and I are together. Hope you don’t mind. Nice tea set, by the way. Oh, pastries. Munch, munch.”
“Sure, help yourself. Why not? After all, you’re apparently part of the family now.”
“Hi, Dad, Uncle Malcolm, Rammy. Did we miss a tactics meeting? Anyway, Adam and I are going to borrow the Wind Raider, if you don’t mind, Dad. We’re going to… uhm… patrol the outer perimeter.”
“Hey, Teela, isn’t that the ugly tea set that we… mumble.”
“Shush! Dad is really weird about that tea set. If he finds out that we broke some of the cups…”
“Do you two have anything to say for yourselves? For example, why two cups of your grandmother’s prized tea set went missing?”
“I’m waiting, young lady.”
“Ahem, actually, I have something to say. I’m gay and Ram-Man and I are together.”
“Thanks for covering for us, Uncle.”
“No problem. I know how weird your father is about that tea set.”
“Anyway, Dad, we’re off to… ahem… patrol the outer perimeter.”
“See you later, Duncan. Oh pastries! You don’t mind, if we take some, do you? The outer perimeter is very far out.”
“Sure, take my pastries. Why not? It’s not as if I ever get any of my own cake.”
“Well, all things considered that didn’t go too badly. I mean, your brother wasn’t mad at us and that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Plus, we got pastries”
“Duncan only isn’t mad because he was too busy worrying about Mom’s old tea set. Though I have to say ‘patrolling the outer perimeter’ is a great excuse. I wish we would have thought of that one.”
“You mean, Adam and Teela are not…?”
“Trust me, the only perimeters those two are patrolling are each other’s bodies.”
“Hmm, those pastries are really good. And Fisto and Rammy are an item. That’s… unexpected. I mean I had no idea. Did you?”
“No, but I’m happy for them. Dad always says that Uncle Malcolm needs someone to look after him and now he has someone. Plus, they no longer have to hide, neither from Dad nor from anybody else.”
“So… uhm… do you think we should tell our parents? About us, I mean?”
“Oh dear, Dad would give me the birds and the bees lecture. The one he obviously ignored or I wouldn’t exist.”
“Come to think of it, Duncan would probably kill me. And I’m no match for him as Adam.”
“Dad would never kill you. He loves you. You’re the son I failed to be. But I suspect your parents wouldn’t be too happy. They probably wanted someone else for you. Someone with a royal title like those pink and pretty princesses your sister always hangs out with.”
“Don’t say that! My parents love you. Dad’s always going, ‘Why can’t you be more like Teela, son?’ But if we told them, Mom would start making wedding plans and Dad would drop hints about grandchildren and preserving the royal lineage.”
“So we don’t tell them? At least not yet.”
“No, it’s wonderful as it is and I… well, I don’t want to jinx it.”
“You know, we could just elope. Find a priest and a temple in some village, get married and then tell our families. No pressure, no party, no big ceremony, just you and me.”
“Come on, Adam, you’re being silly. And now kiss me.”
As for how Ram-Man ended up becoming Fisto’s significant other, the initial spark was this tweet by John Chu
Wait, the He-Man universe had both a Fisto and a Ram-Man?
— John Chu (@john_chu) June 1, 2022
So I put the Fisto and Ram-Man figures next to each other and they made a cute couple. Besides in the 2002 He-Man cartoon (the same one which retconned Fisto into Man-at-Arms’ brother), Ram-Man is very protective of Teela, second only to Duncan and Adam. So it makes sense, if they were family of sorts.
The tea set was a lucky accident. For while I didn’t have a miniature mug or beer jug for Man-at-Arms and Fisto to share a drink, I remembered that I had a miniature tea set, which is exactly at the right scale. So I used the tea set and the story became much funnier as a result. The bit that Man-at-Arms doesn’t get to eat any of his own pastries is a reference to the time he won the 2021 Jonathan and Martha Kent Fictional Parent of the Year Award and didn’t get a single slice of Martha Kent’s famous apple pie, which serves as a trophy.
Unfortunately, the male figures are too bulky to get them to hug or kiss each other (and Ram-Man is extra bulky), but they can hold hands and look deep into each other’s eyes. Though it does work with Adam and Teela, as you can see.
The Adam and Teela coda wasn’t part of the original Twitter thread. However, I realised that “patrolling the outer perimeter” sounds an awful lot like an excuse to sneak away for some private time together. Especically since this episode of the original cartoon shows that the bedroom arrangements in the royal palace make nightly visits nigh impossible, because Adam or Teela would have to sneak past both their respective parents and Cringer, too (bonus Man-at-Arms without his helmet, Randor and Marlena in 1950s TV appropriate separate beds and Teela in a sexy pink nightgown). So if Adam and Teela want to spend some qaulity time together, they’d have to leave the palace. And yes, I do have a Wind Raider.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this Masters-of-the.Universe-Piece Theatre Pride Month Special. There’ll be more stories, including the already announced She-Ra story, since the Evil Horde has now gained a few more members.
As a bonus, here is Man-e-Faces, who has always been protrayed as an actor turned heroic defender of Eternia, performing Hamlet, specifically, act V, scene 1.
Alas, poor Keldor! I knew him, He-Man: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it.
Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar?
Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady’s chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, I just bought some toys, took photos of them and wrote little scenes to go with those photos. All characters are copyright and trademark their respective owners. Also, apologies to William Shakespeare.